


What You Want, What You Need

by booksnchocolate



Category: Bandom, Marianas Trench, Real Person Fiction
Genre: M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 18:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksnchocolate/pseuds/booksnchocolate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't supposed to happen like this, Matt thought desperately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Want, What You Need

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm; swearing out the wazoo; men kissing  
> Summary: It wasn't supposed to happen like this, Matt thought desperately.
> 
> A/N: This is what I do at work. No regrets. :D Feedback always appreciated! Originally posted to fuckyeahjoshandmatt.tumblr.com.

 

_It wasn’t supposed to happen like this,_ Matt thought desperately. It had been going so well. Hadn’t it? They had a new album out; they were on tour… but then this. Maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Maybe he should’ve let it go. But when Josh’s sleeve had ridden up and Matt had caught a glimpse of raised pink flesh on his wrist, he couldn’t stop himself.

“What’s that?”

“What’s what?” Josh asked, tone carefully neutral, avoiding Matt’s eyes.

Matt’s stomach sank. He knew that tone. “On your wrist.”

He reached out but Josh twitched his wrist away. “Nothing.”

The sinking feeling intensified. “C’mon dude, let me see.”

Josh’s gaze remained fixed on the tabletop. “No.”

“Please,” Matt tried. There was no response. _Fuck it_ , he thought, and grabbed Josh’s wrists in a lightning-quick move.

“Let me go!” Josh jerked back but Matt held on. Closer, he could see the sickeningly familiar vertical lines wrapping Josh’s wrists like chains.

“Josh…” Words failed him.

“It’s nothing,” Josh insisted harshly. “Let go.”

“I thought – I thought you stopped-” Matt couldn’t finish the sentence, betrayal heavy in his gut.

Josh tugged ineffectually at his wrists. “You don’t fucking understand,” he said through gritted teeth.

Matt’s head snapped up at that, searching Josh’s face. “What don’t I understand?” he asked. “Tell me, damn it.”

“I – I –” Josh’s eyes darted frantically around the cramped trailer, his breath coming in shallow bursts. “Just go away, ok?  Can’t you just – just get the fuck out of here!”

Matt swore. “Fucking – no, Josh! What part of I’m not leaving do you not understand?”

Josh twisted wildly, straining away but Matt’s grip was like a vise. “You’re hurting me!”

“I know!” Matt said, clinging ruthlessly to Josh’s wrists. “But if I let you go, you’re gonna hurt yourself more than I ever could so you’re gonna have to trust me that right now, this is the lesser of two evils.”

“Matt, fucking stop! It – it hurts – “ Josh’s voice broke in a choked sob. He was right, there would be bruises, but Matt didn’t let go.

“It hurts, huh?” he gasped, “So how come it doesn’t hurt when you do it? You do worse to yourself, a hundred times worse – ”

“No – “ Josh choked out, chest heaving, breath coming in mewling gasps, “no—”

“Y-you do, I know you do, the scars are right fucking here, Josh – ”

“I don’t,” Josh panted, twitching his wrists in tiny, aborted movements. Matt doubted he even knew what he was saying anymore, he was so preoccupied with trying to get away and _fuck_ if that didn’t hurt. “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t – ”

“Look at your fucking scars, dude, did you think we wouldn’t notice?”

Silence for a moment dominated by their harsh breathing, Josh still pulling ineffectually at Matt’s grip like it would do any good. “Hey, “ Matt tried but Josh stared determinedly at the floor, blinking rapidly, face flushed and blotchy. His shoulders were shaking with tension and he looked _volatile_ , Matt thought, like a cornered animal about to – before he could finish the thought, Josh kicked out at the ground with both legs, slamming himself backwards. Matt let out a choked-off yell and lost his grip on Josh’s wrists, toppling forward with the force of the kick. He scrabbled on the floor; by the time he righted himself, the door had slammed and he could hear Josh’s footsteps receding down the hall.

“Fuck,” Matt breathed as he got a hand on the table and pushed himself to his feet. Josh was nowhere to be seen – who knew how far he’d gotten – or what he would do now. “Fucking fuckity _fuck_.” He dashed out of the room.

The hallway was empty. Matt cursed again and ran towards the exit, banging through the door. He leapt down the steps, squinting in the glare of the midday sun. Where the fuck –

Then he saw him.

Josh was a dark figure silhouetted against the pavement, stumbling away with unsteady steps. Even from here Matt could see the exaggerated rise and fall of his shoulders, could almost hear the shaking, desperate breaths he tried to draw.

“Hey!” Josh didn’t turn. “Josh!” Josh kept moving away. Adrenaline flared in Matt’s gut and he kicked into a run. God knew what Josh was planning but Matt would be damned if he let it happen. 

“Josh!” He was getting closer, closer now, if only Josh would just stop fucking moving already – “Josh, wait!”

He grabbed a fistful of Josh’s shirt and tugged, spinning him around. “Would you just fucking look at me?”

Josh was livid, eyes flashing, angrier than Matt had ever seen him. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he spat.

The vitriol in his voice hit like a punch to the gut and Matt stepped back, reflexively raising his hand to shield his face. But the expected beating never came; instead Matt heard the scuffle of footsteps and lowered his hand to see Josh dashing away. Matt bolted after him without a thought, running full out toward the receding figure that was his bandmate, his friend, his – _Josh_. He gained ground slowly, sweating, his breath coming hard in his ears as he tore across the lot. Fifteen feet away… ten… five… three – _oh shit,_ Josh put on an extra burst of speed. There was no use, he had to go for it –  “Jesus motherfucking _Christ_ , Ramsay!” he yelled and tackled Josh to the ground.

The air left his lungs in a rush as he hit the earth, feet already scrambling for purchase against the gritty asphalt. Josh was struggling away from him, trying to free himself from the tangle of their limbs but Matt’s arms were around his waist, dragging him back. Matt winced against the burn of gravel tearing his skin but he didn’t let go.

“Get… off… me!” Josh panted, trying to kick his way free without success.

“Not a chance,” Matt grunted. With a herculean effort, he bucked up and managed to drag one leg over Josh, pinning him on his back and straddling his hips.

“What the fuck?” Josh cried. He shoved at Matt’s chest but Matt grabbed his wrists and slammed them to the ground. Anger was boiling through his veins and he couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think; he just knew he had to get Josh to _stop_.

Josh broke and looked him in the eye for the first time. “What are you doing?” he rasped and that was _it_ , that was fucking _it_.

“What am I doing?” Matt all but yelled, spraying sweat and spittle. “What am _I_ doing?! You’re the one, Josh, you’re the one doing this! Jesus Christ, you’re fucking dying, you’re killing yourself and I can’t – I can’t – ” 

God, the desperation in his voice was pathetic, but this was it, this was _Josh,_ and if something happened to him, Matt was fucking done for, might as well jump off his own fucking bridge because what the fuck was life if Josh wasn’t in it – not worth fucking living and goddamnit _I fucking need you Josh why can’t you fucking see that?_

“What the _fuck_?” That was Josh’s voice. Matt’s chest heaved as he tried to suck in air and see through the tunnel his vision had become. When he came back to himself, he was no longer pinning Josh’s wrists to the asphalt. Instead, Josh was propped up on his elbows, watching him with a curious look on his face.

Matt licked his lips and swallowed against the dryness in his throat. Adrenaline buzzed under his skin. “Did – Did I say that out loud?”

Josh’s eyes were wide, like he couldn’t quite believe it either. “Um, yeah, dude, you kinda did.”

“Okay. I. Uh…. I…” Matt trailed off, looking away. He felt lightheaded. Sure, he hadn’t said the dreaded words, but Josh could read between the lines. When it came to Matt, he always could.

“Did. Did you mean it?”

_No, you fucker, the last decade of my life has been a lie, I don’t give a shit about you._ Matt wanted – badly, so badly – to play it off, wanted to turn tail and run off and drink himself into oblivion and forget this ever happened. But. But Josh was staring at him, looking young and vulnerable and _lost_ , and Matt couldn’t breathe and his heart didn’t seem to be working properly, stuttering in his chest and his thoughts were whirling, his mind was a mess – so he did the only thing he could think of and leaned forward to claim Josh’s mouth in a kiss.

Josh made a noise of surprise deep in his throat. His lips parted automatically at the contact and Matt let out a (very manly) whimper as he licked into the wet heat of Josh’s mouth. Josh tasted like cigarettes and Coke Zero, sour and saccharine; his tongue ring brushed against Matt’s tongue and _holy Jesus_. Matt saw stars. Someone moaned obscenely into the kiss. Belatedly, Matt realized it was him.

And then he realized what he was doing.

“Shit!” Matt fell backwards with a cry, wild and panicked, chest heaving. “I – you – fuck, Josh, I – I’m so – god –“ He couldn’t speak. He felt sick. _Great. As if the kissing wasn’t bad enough. Now I’m gonna puke on him._  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. The words broke from his lips, tumbling into the gulf of silence around him.

Josh just stared at him, blue eyes dark and wide in his pale face. His lips were wet and flushed from the kiss and nausea rolled in Matt’s stomach at the sight. _I did that_ , he thought frantically. _That was me, those marks are mine, I did that to him and he didn’t ask me, he didn’t want it oh god ohgodohgodohgod what the fuck have I done?_

The silence was deafening. Matt wished Josh would yell, scream; he prayed for violence, please, anything would be better than this silence that hung like death and sounded like defeat.

“Matt, what – what the fuck, man?”

Matt tensed. He had expected seething anger, inconsolable rage, curses and obscenities… but somehow, this was worse. The weary, defeated tone in Josh’s voice shook him to the core. He looked away. “That was – not supposed to happen,” he answered on a shaky exhale.

Josh closed his eyes. “I know.” He let out a small, bitter laugh. “Don’t worry, I know.”

“Josh…”

The singer flinched at his name but when he spoke, his tone was deceptively even. “Let me up, Matt.”

“Why?” Matt’s voice cracked on the question and _God_ , he hated this. “So you can run off again and lock yourself in the bathroom and come out with more scars? So you can drive yourself crazy again? I can’t – I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself. I can’t watch you go through that. I’ve seen it once, you don’t need to do it again.”

“You can’t fucking make me better.”

“I know,” Matt swallowed against the bitter truth. He could still taste Josh, a smoky sweetness heavy on his tongue. His throat felt tight, his chest too heavy. “Josh, Jesus, I just want to help. I know I can’t make everything better. But…” The words fell from numb lips. “I – I care about you too much not to try.”

Silence fell on Josh’s shuddering inhale. “You…”

Matt nodded, not trusting his voice above a whisper. “Yeah. I. I do.”

Josh swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing in the column of his throat. “Okay. Yeah. I-“ His voice hitched and he looked up. Matt forced himself to meet his gaze. He held his breath longer than he ever had in his life, certain that if he so much as breathed, Josh would stop. “I maybe feel the same way about you.”

Matt could feel his heart kicking into overdrive at Josh’s words. He exhaled and tried to form words through the buzzing in his ears. Of anything Josh could have said, this was the last thing he’d expected. “Maybe?” he breathed out, the word ghosting from his lips, potent and terrible.

Josh’s throat clicked as he swallowed nervously. “Probably? Definitely? Uh,” he dropped off and Matt’s heart siezed for a moment that seemed like a lifetime. But he lifted his chin and looked Matt in the eye. “Yes.”

Matt almost laughed with relief. He couldn’t help himself. “For someone so good with lyrics, you could really learn to use your words.”

Josh shoved his shoulder. “Shut up,” he huffed, but his tone was fond. A beat passed. Then, “Now will you let me up?”

Matt obliged, levering himself to his feet with a small groan. He held out a hand for Josh, pulling the singer to his feet. He couldn’t stop the tingling thrill that shot through his chest as their fingers touched; but that was fine, he didn’t want to.

Josh grimaced as he brushed dirt from his jeans, mouth turning down in an exaggerated moue of distaste. Eventually he straightened. His eyes skittered up to Matt’s face and away. “So… now what?” he asked.

Matt opened and closed his mouth mutely. “I dunno,” he said at last. “What… what do you want?”

Josh looked away. He bit his lip and did not reply. 

Matt sighed. “Josh, listen. You mean the world to me, okay? And whatever happens, I just want you to know that.”

That caught Josh’s attention. “I – I know,” he said, as if startled by the admission (Matt knew he wasn’t, not really. The words might be new but the feeling had been there all along.) “Thanks, Matty.” Josh smiled then. It was small and didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was a start and Matt would take it.

“Hey,” he bumped Josh’s shoulder, “no worries. You know I’ve always been a bit gay for you anyway." He gestured to himself. "And who could resist this?”

Josh ducked his head in answer, but Matt saw his cheeks lift and knew he was smiling.

“Are you good to go back?”

Josh took a deep breath. “You know it’s not just going to get better,” he said to the ground in a small voice, all traces of humor gone from his tone.

“I know. But we’re all here for you, you know that,” Matt replied equally solemnly. He licked his lips and continued, “I’m here for you. For what it’s worth.”

“It’s worth a lot,” Josh said softly. Matt nearly bit through his lip at the words, unable to handle the rush of emotion in his chest. All he could do was stand and stare at Josh with wide eyes as the singer turned to go back to the trailer. “You coming?” Josh asked.

“Yeah,” he managed breathlessly, forcing his feet into motion.

They walked back slowly as the sun edged down to the horizon, casting long shadows on the parking lot. They were both silent; Matt couldn’t stop himself from glancing over with every step, wanting to catch a glimpse of Josh’s face, wanting to catalogue every inch of him from his sloped shoulders to his cheekbones to his stupid hair. He thought he was being discreet until he felt a hand brush against his. Startled, he looked down to see Josh’s fingers tickling his own. He glanced over in surprise to see one corner of Josh’s mouth quirked up in a small smile. Matt felt an answering grin spread across his own features. Emboldened, he tangled his fingers loosely with Josh’s, feeling his stomach swoop with delight as he did so.

Beside him, Josh snorted. “When was the last time I held hands? I feel like a fucking girl.”

Matt chuckled. “Shut up, Ramsay, you know you love it.”

“Yeah,” Josh said, something unreadable in his blue eyes. He brushed his thumb once across Matt’s knuckles. “Yeah, I do.”

 

 

 


End file.
